Night Of The Bleeding Ears

A Long, Long Time Ago…

It was a day like any other, one that seemed to be all too common. I was looking forward to the evening because I was about to buy a new keyboard controller, to which I was eager to lay down some crazy new sounds with my beats. Somehow, even with all the anticipation and sameness that was before me, nothing could prepare me for what would happen to me that night.

I made my way to the nearest music store in search of an Alesis keyboard. I can’t remember the exact model off-hand, but it was 49 keys and it had not much on it, which was perfect for what I needed. I scooped it up right away, along with the Alesis Nanosynth, which was dope in its own right. After browsing around the store, looking at various MPC’s and 24 track mixers, I bought my new found gear and I was ready to go home and make some magic.

On the way home, after laughing excitedly like a little child, I was sitting at a red light when I looked to my right, noticing something peculiar, disgusting, yet hilarious. A dog was urinating on a fire hydrant, with its owner casually looking on. This has nothing to do with my story, I just thought I would share it with the world for my own amusement.

I entered my home and quickly shuffled my feet, scurrying into my bedroom. I violently, yet carefully, ripped open the boxes of the gear that I just purchased and immediately set everything up. I plugged in the keyboard and the Nanosynth, both were hooked up via MIDI. I always had a hard time with MIDI because for some reason it never seemed to work the way I wanted it to. Maybe it’s something in my brain that just doesn’t like the MIDI connections and the fact that simply plugging in the cables doesn’t instantly give you a connection; something I always found to be really dumb.

What happened next changed my life forever. I had my DJ mixer’s RCA outputs connected to my amplifier’s inputs, and I needed to take them out in order to hook up my computer’s sound card outputs to that part of the amp. My room was dark, slightly dim. I like it when my workspace is dim and I can relax while I make music, and this night was no different. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to turn on the lamp nearby, instead I just settled for the light I had. My amplifier was on the bottom shelf of my table, so I had to get on the floor so I could reach behind the amp and connect the RCA wires.

“What happened? Are you okay?”, he said. “What?….. yeah I’m fine”, I replied. My ears had been tested like never before, and to this day that was the worst thing that has ever happened to them, except for the time I was at an amusement park with my sister when I was 11 years old and she got so scared from the haunted house ride that she screamed very loudly. Into my ear. That ear has never been the same. I said that ear has never been the same.

I thought I had connected the RCA cable correctly, but it turned out I hadn’t. I knew that the red connector went into the red slot, but somehow it made its way to the white one. I made sure it was a snug fit, I switched the amp’s input to Phono and turned up the volume. I heard nothing, so I turned the volume up even louder, and then I suddenly heard this insane feedback that started off very quiet and went extremely loud in a matter of a few nanoseconds. It blistered my ears and scared the crap out of me. I literally pooped my pants, that’s how scared I was. It’s the first time in the history of beat making that someone pooped their pants while trying to make beats. And it was only fitting because the beat I made afterward was terrible. I hated it, and it’s all because I was sitting there at my computer with poop in my pants.

The moral of the story is: always make sure you plug your cables into the right holes. If you’re not sure, look at a manual, ask someone, or just turn on the damn lights!

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